I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
