I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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