if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
