fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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