It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
