she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
