remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
