My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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