Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
