I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
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one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
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My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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