I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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