Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
