There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
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My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
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Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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