Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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