I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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