she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
