You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
