I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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