but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
