1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
