I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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