I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
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Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
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Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize