so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
