His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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