Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
