It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
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He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
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You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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