btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
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So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
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I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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