too bad you live with your parents still
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
