Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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