I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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