i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
