What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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