Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
