I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
