Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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