i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
