Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
