Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
