Yo dont text me then not text me
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
