So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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