Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
