i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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