She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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