this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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