The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
