I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
