I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
