i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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