I murdered the dance floor call the cops
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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