I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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