I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
