I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
