Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
