they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
