I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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