i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
