I just made out with a guy for $7.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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