Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
