so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
